| 12 March 2023
It’s not a coincidence I have a girlfriend called Ginny, with me runnin’ a Gin & Juice store an’ all. I wanted a girlfriend who would suit my lifestyle, you know what I mean? So I went speed dating with Peter Wiener to see who I could find. I was probably the fastest Hombre in the place as all I asked was their name, and if it didn’t fit I moved on before the bell went. People got a bit annoyed with me as I stood behind some other geezer while he was still on his speed date. I tried to not get in the way, I just wanted to save time by asking the girl’s name so I wasn’t hangin’ about for nothin’. They all just ignored me. They didn’t want to waste their precious three minutes talkin’ to me. I was banned from that place for obstructive behaviour. I don’t think that’s fair, to be honest, I stood behind the men’s chairs the whole time, all I asked for was a name. I left with nothin’.
I was in the store one day when Wiener came in all flustered and excited. He said he’d met a friend of a friend called Ginny who would be perfect for me. I asked him what her other names were, but he said it wasn’t important and not to be so fussy. He said if I could get a girl to like me when I get up to all sorts of mischief I should count myself lucky. Man, what a tool. Anyways he said he’d arranged a blind date for me and him with Ginny and another girl called Peaches. I was immediately torn, we have peach juice in the store - that could work as well.
Wiener and I arrived at the Taco bar and walked in to see two girls drinking alone, “our dates”, Wiener announced. I swaggered over with Wiener at my coattails, introduced myself and kissed their hands. “I am Carlos Montoya, the proprietor of Gin & Juice, you might ‘ave ‘eard of it.” Everyone shook their head and I was a bit miffed, to be honest. Could I even date someone that hasn’t heard of my store? Never mind, I thought to myself, let’s see what they order to drink. One of them ordered a Pina Colada, and the other ordered a pink gin with ice, lemon, lime, strawberries, grapefruit, and banana. Wow! That girl wasn’t going to have any room for food at that rate. But, at least she ordered a gin.
We paid for their drinks and were looking at the menu when I heard a voice from behind shouting, “Wiener, what are you doing?” “Oh hi Peaches, how’s things?” He replied. I asked him what was going on and he introduced me to Peaches and Ginny. I asked him who we were drinking with and he said he had no idea. “But you said they were our dates when we walked in.” “You didn’t let me finish, I was about to say our dates haven’t arrived yet let’s grab a seat in the corner.” I asked him why he didn’t correct me, and he told me that when I introduced myself as the proprietor of Gin & Juice he knew I was trying to make the best first impression - so, he thought it would be fun to see me make a fool of myself.
All four girls gave each other dirty looks and we excused ourselves and apologised for the mix-up. One of them said, “nay bother, thanks for the free drink.” Peaches and Ginny took it all in good humour and Ginny’s been my girlfriend ever since. It’s been a whole week now.
Jin Galbells | 15 March 2023
That's it, I'm moving to Yemen. There's no one home so I thought I'd write it here.
Dean N'Mean | 24 March 2023
I went to punch the air in agreement with you but forgot my parrot was out of his cage. Will update you after the vets.
Billy Thackid | 13 March 2023
An enjoyable read while waiting for the police to arrive. Tell me, what's the WIFI like in prison?